The One I Never Met

So my ex-housemates’ friend Dan bumped into me in a coffee shop in Nicosia, literally bump into me with his coffee spilling it all over my jeans and offered to buy new a new one (a new coffee not a new pair of blue jeans). Dan is the friend of my ex-housemate from uni who never ever bathed and stank like hell, I should have known that Dan would be just as slimy. Anyway Dan told me about his new housemate in Nicosia. ‘A girl who you would love’ he kept saying. At first I smiled and sipped on my latte thinking it was his usual rubbish he went on about. ‘You’d really like her’ he repeated. ‘So why don’t you introduce us then?’ I asked. ‘Oh no, I can’t, she travels a lot, she’s very cool and likes hard work, she works for the UN (like two of my exes) and I just can’t’ he went on. ‘But why?’ I insisted… and he still wouldn’t give me an actual answer. He just kept on being vague about not introducing us, but kept going on about how perfect we’d be. (And he was probably right. It’s usually people who work in tough jobs like the UN or as secret agents who can date me, only because they can keep up with my demands and unpredictable bouts of rage and madness fits). But, no he refused to make an introduction.

What was that all about? It’s like dangling sweets in front of a child and then saying ‘no you can’t have them… bad for you’re teeth you see.’ Why bother even saying anything? Why promote your housemate ‘who is great’ for me and who I’d get on with and then actually refuse to make an introduction. What kind of power trip is that? Obviously he must be scraping the bottom of the barrel and must have no one to mentally torture. And Dan knew full well that I’d be interested in dating... anyone. I’d date anything. I’d probably even date your divorced aunt with dyed red hair who lives in Australia. Or your local pharmacist. The receptionist from the hotel you stayed in this summer. Maybe even your plant. Or the person who sold the plant to you. Not because I’m desperate but because I’d never say no to an adventure. And who knows, the next one could be the one. Although in this case we went from potentially meeting ‘the one’ to meeting no one. Thanks Dan. Not only did you ruin my jeans but you ruined my mood.