Hipstamatic Nicosia

Nicosia. With my Hipstamatic. On a chilly December night. Just within the walled city.

Why I hate the suburbs excpet one...

So meeting a friend for coffee or lunch is a whole torturous scenario. I live in the centre. This way I am as close to civilization as possible (i.e. the shops, the bars etc) so I expect people to share this mind-set with me. They don’t. Many of my good friends, live in the suburbs. And we are not talking about the inner suburbs like Aglangia, we are talking about Strovolos, which might as well be outer Mongolia. So I take a little offence to the fact that people expect me to drive over there to visit them, especially if they finish work at 2pm and I finish work at 6pm, on a good day (and that’s not including yoga, running, running to Lidl for Coco Pops or running to get new pajamas from Intimissimi). And so I expect to switch. So, one time I could to you in the prairies and the next time you come to me in the centre of civilization. Except it doesn’t work this way. People who live in the suburbs, especially the outer suburbs, seem to have developed a dread of the city and its centre. It’s as if I am asking them to visit me on the higher edges of the Himalayas in winter for tea wearing their swimsuits. It’s Nicosia people, come on. ‘I visited you, at the edge of the world, so now it’s your turn to come to me.’ They seethed with anger. It’s as if I called them country bumpkins, but if you live closer to Larnaca than Nicosia while you are still in Nicosia… come on. Once I met a friend near Metro in Lakatamia. ‘And so where do you live?’ I asked. ‘Right there’ she replied pointing to her car. ‘Are you telling me I came all this way to the middle of nowhere and you live there?’ I wanted to say. But I didn’t. I was too worried about how I was going to get home.
I will make one expectation though. The only suburb I will visit, without throwing a tantrum is Makedonitissa, because it’s not too far from the city and out of all the areas, it’s the best one. Perhaps even better than the centre!

On why I hate the suburbs (again)

I hate the suburbs. I go there as rarely as possible and when I do it’s usually driving through them to get to the beach. You see, the suburbs in Limassol aren’t that bad – as they are filled with mansions and have sea views. In Nicosia, they are filled with roads that confuse you. Ok, so not all are bad, Makedonitissa is nice and Engomi is perhaps my favourite place in Nicosia. Aglantzia is a city suburb with its own centre, Skali and Plati and Latsia feels more like another city completely. But other than that the suburbs suck. I avoid Lakatamia like the plague and every time I hear the word Strovolo my heart skips a beat (unless I am in Acropolis, but as the name suggests I am in the ‘edge of the city’). I’m sorry. I know this must be rude to those who live in the suburbs; especially the outer suburbs but it might as well be outer Mongolia. It is so far to get to, there is nothing in it and it’s depressing. It’s just a row of houses. Maybe every now and then you chance upon a place of interest, like Jumbo or Pavilion but… there is nothing. True, Nicosia is not the most beautiful city on the planet, but at least everything happens in the centre. In the suburbs, people get desperate, even the Nicosia Housewife is thinking of buying an apartment in the CC (penthouse of course) where it will be easier for her to do her shopping. But that means not having a pool, which is a big sacrifice.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I much prefer the city to the suburbs, although I hear that in the suburbs…

Ordering Coffee... oooof!

Me: Hi, I’d like a coffee

Barista: What type?

Me: What type do you have?

Barista: Frappe, latte, frappe-latte, frappecino mix, frappecino-cappucino-mix, macchiato, frappecino, cino, soda-cino, whiskey-cino, water-cino, water-cino with extra water

Me: What’s the difference between a frappe and a frappecino-mix

Barista: The frappecino-mix is mixed, the frappe isn’t. Duh!

Me: Erm… I’ll have a frappecino-mix please

Barista: Hot, cold, lukewarm, mild, wild, freakishly-cold or so hot it can burn your lips off?

Me: Tough one, but as it’s summer I’ll go for a cold frappe

Barista: Cold-cold, extra-cold, regular-cold, freezing-cold, snow-cold or warm-cold?

Me: Erm… normal cold please

Barista: Size?

Me: Erm… what do you have?

Barista: Grande, super, large, medium, small, medium-small, shot or 3.5 litres

Me: Erm... Grande please

Barista: Grande-grande, super-grande, medium-grande, extra-grande, regular-grande, small-grande?

Me: Okay... what’s the difference between grand-grande and medium-grande, isn’t that just a large?

Barista (looking at me as if I told her that her mother had a tail): There is a big different between grande-grande, medium-grande and large. Medium-grande is slightly less grande than grande-grande and a little more grande but not much than large.

Me: Phew. Well… okay, I’ll take a grande-grande I guess

Barista: With what?

Me: What does it come with?

Barista: Ice, extra-ice, extra-low-fat-ice, cream, whipped cream, low-fat cream, regular-cream, cherries

Me: Is there a difference between ice and extra-ice?

Barista (looking at me as if I just said her father is a cross-dresser): There is a big difference between ice and extra-ice in your grande-grande frappecino-mix than if you had less ice.

Me: Okay I’ll have extra-ice then please.

Barista: Anything to eat?

Me: What do you have?

For sale?

The building (above is on Ledra Street and) is for sale. Hmmm... Is that before of after it collapses?

Oh Nicosia... what have they done to you

I won't date you if you're from Strovolo

So I got into a heated debate with someone about my theory that says ‘where you live defines the type of person you are’. I don’t mean that if you live in a shack you’re poor or if you live in a palace you’re rich. I’ve known many poor people who now live in palaces – they are called gold-diggers, mostly from the ex-Eastern bloc states. What I mean is the area you live in means you are a certain type of person.

When I moved back from London, I left the weather behind and brought with me part of the British mentality. Part of that mentality means judging (wrongly or rightly) by their area or in Britain’s case, by their post code. For example people in Slough (possibly the armpit of England and home of the TV Show ‘the Office’) want to have the post code changed from SL to something else as the SL (Slough postcode) brings their land value down. Anything with a London, City of Westminster pos code means that you can light your cigs with 20 pound bills.

In Cyprus it’s not the same… yet. But with me here it seems to be becoming so. Since moving to Nicosia I have become obsessed with where people live. I was talking with someone I wasn’t really interested in, but the moment I found out that she lives in Engomi, I wanted to marry her. Not because I love her, but because I love Engomi! It’s for the same reason why I won’t date anyone long-term from Strovolo (too weird – even if you live in the posh area), I won’t go on a date with anyone from Lakatamia (too far), nor will I even bother with anyone from Tseri, Geri, Latsia (might as well be Troodos). Anyone beyond these areas shouldn’t even bother talking to me, unless of course you’re from/in Limassol (but again this depends on the area). Pallouriotissa is ghetto and I hear Ayios Dometios might as well be the Bronx so those are out of the questions.

But there are some areas that I do date. Makedonitissa is too far from the heart of the city, but I like it, so if you’re from there you’re in luck, I might just take you out for a drink but I won’t come and get you and I certainly won’t drive you back! Initially, I was ambivalent about Aglantzia until I discovered Plati, which is a young person’s neighbourhood and people from Kaimakli are arty (love that) so I’ll date you lot too. I also like anyone from Ayios Andreas (diplomats), the city centre (urban and cool), Ayia Paraskevi and Acropolis (young, upper middle class and wealthy who walk their dogs*) and of course Lykavitos (my ‘hood gets priority!).

So you see; I am a slave to the system I created. For example, I live in the city, which means I have no patience for traffic, like the noise, can walk to the clubs and am in close range of Wagamama for when I have emergency cravings for sushi! So I guess you would categorise me as one of those annoying and pushy urbanites. And yet I hate categorizing people, but I just can’t help it. For example, If you live by the Mall of the Nation, I’ll assume you are a shop-aholic, if you live in the Presidential Palace I’ll assume you’re the President and if you live in Dasoupoli I’m guessing that you live in the woods and are to the witch’s house from Hansel and Gretel that is made of cake’s and sweets! I have become obsessed with where you live and assume that where you do live defines you. And the scary thing about this theory… is that it’s true.

*PS: to people who walk their dogs in Acropolis. I think it’s great that you love dogs but I love clean sidewalks – so people clean up after you mutt!

University of Cyprus

No jokes guys - the University of Cyprus is actually in a park. I have never seen a greener campus. If I went there I'd be hugging trees rather than attending lectures.

Church

Nicosia Underground

So I get this email at work today about the Nicosia Underground and I had to share it with you. I don't know who did it - apparently this guy Thomas Costi in London who in my opinion deserves a medal - because this is the most innovative thing I have seen for Nicosia. Apparently, it seems to me that he is the only person who cares about Nicosia because I haven't heard a thing from any Ministry or government organisation that wants to deal with the traffic issue and the fact that we need public transport. We are the only European capital with no public transport... enjoy the underground maps... here's hoping....

UCY

The other day I went to the University of Cyprus to use the library. Although I live in the area I had never been to the campus before and when I did I fell in love with it. Maybe it was because it took me back to my crazy student days, as I was filled with nostalgia for those times. Maybe it’s because some of those students embodied the funky spirit that I love, but mainly it was the campus. I was at the old campus of course, having not yet visited the new modern one. It was so cool, it even smelt like study! There were flyers everyone, people coming and going, groups of people talking (and smoking) and I saw something new on a campus; cats. There must have been over half a dozen cats there.

The clock tower though must be its best feature – especially at night when it’s all lit up. Using the library I forgot how you can be fun and studious at the same time. I literally fell in love with uni again!

Let me ask you this. Are there differences between the different types of Unis in CY? For example in the UK some unis are middle class and other are more elitist, others encompass all social classes and other are Oxbridge-wannabes. I’m asking this because at the UCY the students there seemed very serious with study; they seemed very involved with student life and maybe can appear a little conservative? Is this true or a wrong observation? Because at another couple of unis I visited the students seemed a little more laid back and incredibly funky, with crazy hair styles and flyers on the wall that seem a little more avant-garde than one would expect in Cyprus.

Nevertheless, while there I felt like the new man on campus. It took me back to my crazy days (like almost 2 years ago) and I felt with a sweet/sad feeling, It comes to show, make the most of uni because you can never go back, and even if you do, you will never ever recapture that glow of being a freshman at uni. Time and experience catch up with you and before you know it, you’ll have to grow up.

Eleni Tsaligopoulou in Red

Who knew that Eleni Tsaligopoulou (ET) was so cool? I alwats she knew she was talented, otherwise I wouldn't have been a fan, but so see her in Red in Nicosia last week was a treat I couldn't have whipped up myself.

I was invited by chance by my friend and jumped at the opportunity. Red is located right on the green line. So in the free part of Cyprus you can find us listening to ET and on the other side we have 100s of Turkish soldiers' gun pointed at us! Still, we had a great time.

She performed with Tryfono and sang from 10.3o until 2am! Not an easy thinking considering. The crowd was a mixture of entechno people with some establishment. What left an impression on me was how fun the entechno people are - there was none of that pretense you get at some clubs in Nicosia. Everyone was chilled... and still stylish.

I got home around 3.30am and got up at 7.30 for work... you can imagine the pain I went through that day, being sleep deprived. Still it was worth it. It was for Eleni.

Ta Paidia Tou Dromou


Einai Enta3i Mazi Mou

The Names of Areas in Nicosia

Nicosia has the most random area names. Of course there is the centre and the Walled City where you will find a ‘wall’ at the end of Ledra Street.

Athens in Cyprus?: There are areas named after Athens in Nicosia, they are my beloved Acropolis and Lycabettus. So you can imagine my delight when I tell people that I work at the Acropolis. And then they reply; ‘really? Do you? Are you an archaeologist?’ and I’m like ‘No m’am, I’m a BabyBusinessMan’. Not Acropolis Athens – Acropolis, Nicosia!

Milk: Kaimakli is an area in central Nicosia and is named from the Turkish work Kaymak meaning something like the skin of the milk because there were shepherds in the area (there is also a Kaimakli in occupied Nicosia). Kaimakli should be the nicest area in Nicosia as it is in the city but it’s residential. But because of the invasion we completely forgot this area.

Cypriot flowers: Pallouriotissa. You’d think after it’s name Palloura it would be nice but instead it is ghetto central. I used to live there when I first moved to Nicosia. There are no words. Only sounds. And they go something like this: URGH!

Ayoi Omoliyites: our President’s area

Ayia Paraskevi: home of the Cyprus Central Bank. Good thing it’s next to a Church!

Posh wannabes: Aglanztia, a really nice area actually, with the University, Skali area with great views of the city. And which I call Aglankia or Aglankea because I want to sound like a psonara but then everyone laughs and say things like ‘he’s from London…’ They also wanted to change Lastia (pronounced Lacha). Unfortunatrly for the psonares they didn’t so some people like me, who pretend to be high-class say La-tsia (like Lazzio, as in Lazzio Roma).

Spice Girls and Painters: Before you enter out nation’s capital you will find Geri (named after a Spice Girl) and Dali (named after Salvador Dali perhaps? Or maybe Delhi in India?)

Jungle: If Nicosia is the capital of Cyprus then Strovolo is the capital of Nicosia. It is the second largest municipality in Cyprus (the city of Limassol is number one) and is a concrete jungle. It is so big, so crazy, I am scared going there. It’s nuts, it’s just huge. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going when I’m there. But at the same time, Strovolo has the capital’s largest mansions. My friend Milky (blog at links) said that Strovolo was very posh before. Hmmm… really?

Wrong Grammar: Lakatamia, for me this might as well be in Paphos. I have never been there, and is meant to be ‘the new place to live’. I say Ta Lakatamia because it sounds plural, like Ta Ioannina, plus you have Pano Lakatamia and Kato Lakatamia and so it is plural. So Ta Lakatamia is correct.

Forest City: Dasoupoli. I went there, and didn’t find any trees. Only houses

Engomi: I love this area. The old bit that used to be a village is so pretty, how have they not built little shops and cafes there? Engomi is also home of Coffee Beanery, Blinkers and Bennginhams where you can try out Margaritas for €1.71 on Thursdays!

Makedonitissa: is that an area named after a lady from Makedonia in Greece?

Ayios Dometos: only been once and I didn’t know I was in it

Ayios Andreas: as above

Blossom City: Anthoupoli. It sounds nice but I hear it’s rough and is divided by a highway route from its neighbouring area which is…

Archangel: Archangel, which I think is the best name for an area

And of course we can’t forget the Mall of Cyprus!

And of course before I forget; the maddest name: Drakoumel! We must be the only area who has an area named after a character from the Smurfs! Only in CY!

Cypriot Humour... on Youtube

My friend told me about this Anglo-Cyprian rapper in Aradipou who was apologise to his girlfriend for cheating on her VIA YOUTUBE! (as if she'd take him back after seeing that on youtube) but he didn't remember what it was called so... i went looking for it and instead I found this:

Sex and the City a la Cyprus
(if you don't understand Cypriot don't bother)



Scary Movie Cyprus Version



Guys - I couldn't resist - the second one especially is funny! that girl deserves and Oscar

(I can't believe I posted this - and I had something else for you guys! Oh well... another time).

The Mini is Hustle

Of course on Saturday night I went out. This weekend I went to Hustle. Great place, but not sure about the name, especially when pronounced with a Cypriot accent. It kind of sounds like castle or hassle. As in ‘you’re such a hassle’ δηλαδή ενοχλητικός. Αλλά anyway… So I went there and bumped into a bunch of people I don’t want to know. First person I saw was an FTF, which means Friends That F… And although we were intimate, we never really got to know each other outside of the bedroom, so although at one point I sat down opposite her we didn’t greet each other because, well... no one knows haw to deal with things like this really. I didn’t really want to say hola but I didn’t want to ignore the chica either. In the end I left it and she kept smoking. And then I told my friend about her who said ‘she did what? Really?’

Then I bumped into the Nicosia Housewife. She was sitting with Fashionista who was looking great actually dressed in black and sipping martinis. But the Nicosia Housewife looked 10 years younger than she looked 10 years ago. The woman’s face was stretched to the limit, it looked like an elastic band, it was botox’d up to such a degree that you thought she polished her forehead. She had better skin than her baby.

Then, sitting down with my friends I noticed a girl who was sitting opposite us. She was more of a guuurrrl than a girl. She must have been about 22 with bleached blonde hair (a natural fake blonde) and was wearing a black kind of top and, get this, white hot pants and heels. And she was slouching on the sofa which made her hot pants ride higher up on her body. And I was scandalized.

If she was at the beach, then by all means dress like that. If she was at a beach bar in Limassol at 6pm, for a smoothie, then fine. But in Nicosia, at 12.30am, in Hustle, in the Coffee Strip (the area between Brewery and Hustle) and is practically lying down, talking to no one showing almost everything is not wrong per se, but it’s not really right either. As Whitney sings ‘it’s not right but it’s okay’.
My friends were like ‘what’s the big deal?’
I’m like ‘hello, this is Ni-co-seee-ah!’
And they’re like ‘so?’
I don’t know, maybe it’s me, maybe I’ve become a psonara, but I was shocked. I mean she looked good, but she looked good for a Victoria Secret catalogue rather than a drink with friends at Hustle (or should I say hassle?).

Wedding

Cake's getting married soon. Will her wedding look anything like this?

The Writing on Nicosia's Walls

My theory is that the writing on the wall of a city shows what the people are thinking and how they are feeling. Here are three random and different shots, all found during the same day in the walled city of Nicosia. Guess which is my favourite one. 100 euros to the right answer.

Re... pame ston Loui?

The Nicosia Housewife's pleasure comes in the form of a LV handbag. Her new fiance's happines comes in the form of a little blue pill.

(Another Big) Nicosia vs Limassol Debate (again)

We have all heard the (ridiculous) joke that goes: ‘what’s the most valuable site in Nicosia? The sign that says: To Limassol’. The rivalry between Limassol and Nicosia is funny at best. Despite this, there is still a deep seated rivalry between the people of the two cities. People from Limassol will tell you that LMS is better than Nicosia and every city in Cyprus. I’ll agree that is it a lot easier living there than in Nicosia; there’s the sea, it’s wealthier, you drive in straight lines and it’s more laid back. But I’ll have to agree that Paphos is the nicest city in Cyprus. But any other town other than Nicosia and Limassol is instantly regarded as small and provincial and is disregarded from the debate.

Nicosian’s will tell you a) that LMS is better or b) that true Limassol is nicer but… why do Limassolians have to keep saying so? To Nicosian eyes, Limassolians come to Nicosia and compare and criticise. First on the list is: no sea. Nicosians will say ‘yeah but you’re city has ugly beaches.’ Then the Limassol guy takes out his Kalashnikov.

I think Limassol is great. But for work Nicosia is better. My standard of living in Limassol would be higher but my pay won’t be as high as in Nicosia. It’s a double-edged sword. I also think that Nicosia, was once very pretty; we see this with the walled city and with the amount of greenery there is in the city. No other Cypriot city has this. But it has been divided, then rebuilt hazardously and its main areas have been left to disrepair, giving the city anodd modern/ex-war-zone feel. And so it is not as picturesque. Nicosia is not as pretty as Limassol, but it doesn’t mean I don’t like it. It has parks (I love the Linear Park), it has great coffee-shops, a growing art scene and a plethora of shops. True the traffic is suffocating, the pavements are cracked or non-existent, it’s a big city in a small, cramped space and there are no ‘escapes’ from city life. In short, it’s Cyprus’ only urban area. With Limassol you still get a touch of the resort and of new money; of shipping and hotels and dodgy Russian businesses. In Nicosia, its elite is old money; plantations and art and the establishment.

When in Nicosia do as the Nicosians. There is no point behaving one way when everyone else behaves another. Integrate yourself. True Nicosians are no as friendly as say, Paphos. But that’s because Paphos is small, with a village/small town mentality where everyone knows each other. Nicosia is corporate where 70% of the labour force work for the state. Who has time for nice? I know I don’t unless you give me a bottle of wine; which is why there are lots of bars.

But I also think Nicosians are to blame for not looking after the city. It’s my city now and I want more results. The Mayor, Eleni Mavrou is great. But still, Nicosia is lacking not only what other capitals have but what other towns in Cyprus have. Ayia Napa has a bus system. Paphos has water. Limassol has a great coastal road. Nicosia has the walled city, and small areas like the Engomi strip, Kallipoleos, Plati, and the Mall. But what about our city centre? They are going to re-do Plateia Eleftherias by an architect who never visited the area! And it’s going to be concrete and have an underpass. Do you know how dangerous and unappealing underpasses are? So we are reconstructing our area wrongly.

There is no tourism in Nicosia. Is it because there is nothing to see or because there are no hotels? There are things to see, but are not promoted or provided for and there are about three hotels and a few smaller ones. The city is not pedestrian-friendly, there are few open spaces and not enough resources for tourists. They say when the tourists come they’ll do all this. Well why would they come if there is nothing to see and do? Fix it first and the tourists will follow. Why isn’t the street next to Ledra filled with shops? Wouldn’t it be nice if there were coffee shops and such lined up there? Nicosia has not taken advantage of its assets.

Limassol was smart by capitalizing on the Russians and Arabs who brought money to the city. In effect they funded Limassol. Limassol made what it could of the promenade and the coastal road. It has built more sporting venues and capitalized on areas around hotels. That is why there is no actual centre in Limassol. Commerical areas run along central roads. O Paraliakos, Kolonakiou (which has only just become popular), Griva Digeni, Makariou, Enaerios and Anexartisias. That is not to say they are perfect though. Anexartisia has a lot to be desired and desperately needs a make-over. But with the creation of the University, the Marina and Castle area will only enhance Limassol’s image. This will not be to the detriment of Nicosia but to the strength of Cyprus.

And what Nicosia needs is not more development but redevelopment. We have great infrastructure in Nicosia, we have huge avenues, a mall, massive government buildings but we don't have pavements in soem areas or even proper parking facilities. Once these are dealt with we will have a people-friendly city for the capital we all love, even if some of us are jealous of it, or hate it or love it nevertheless.

But the next day I had an arguement with someone about Nicosia that left me fuming...

Lycabettus. Not Athens, NICOSIA!

I love my area! It’s like a mini-Athens. And I have to admit that Nicosia can do with a little botox but Lycabettus (Not Athens! Nicosia) is without a doubt the best urban area in our nation’s capital. Don’t believe me? Fine, let’s examine the evidence; there is the university, which means students, which means alcohol and fun. Alcohol = fun and fun = me! Bottom’s up! On Kallipoleos, there is a gym, a DVD club, a phone shop to top up if you need to, a psistaria, a fucking PSISTARIAAAAAAAAAAAA Beeatches! Do you know what that means? It means that I don’t have to cook and that I won’t poison myself. And in like five minutes from the city centre! There is, a coffee shop called Café City, although I called it City Café because I’m fake-high-class-psonara-wannabe, there is a Greek restaurant and, get this, a Chinese restaurant, and ok the traffic is bad, but that’s only because people drive by to see the area because it’s too cool. But the best thing about the area is my apartment block, Sunrise Heights (could the name be any more Beverly Hills?). But the real stars of the area are my neighbours. And I’ll tell you all about them soon. But you’ll have to wait. You don’t expect me to be telling you all the gossip right away now do you?