Introducing the Nicosia Housewife

Some say she’s a myth, fashionistas say she’s a legend. Her neighbour’s say she’s a bitch. In fact, she is all of these things… and more. The real power in Cyprus does not lie with the Communist, in fact, it lies with the Nicosia Housewife. From there she reigns like an evil (but fashionable) dictator over the land, but specifically, the restaurants, bars, fashion boutiques, schools, gyms and any public places where people may interact. Which is why, many people have many different things to say about her. After all there is only one Nicosia Housewife.

Sandra Sanchez, 43, ex-cook.
Before the Nicosia Skank Housewife fired me and sent me back to Honduras, I used to cook for her. She used to eat cookies all the time and booze too. Once, when she was bored, she would have the pool-boy come and clean the pool three times a week. I used to see her throw things in the pool, flowers, her sweater, the dog, so he could clean it. The she used to watch the pool-boy clean the pool! Then she had an affair with him, after her ex-husband Filthy Rich slept with her PA! When she found them together in the sauna, she locked them in, and I had to rescue them.

Filthy Rich, 52, ex-husband
I made that woman become the number one Housewife in Cyprus! And all because I was a little too nice to her PA she divorces me! The bitch! And then she gets the house, because without it, she wouldn’t be the Nicosia housewife.

Maria Kleanthou, 30, maid
When she stayed in the Hotel Grande Bretagne in Athens, she got so angry that there were no mints on her pillow that she threw the television out of the window! Can you believe that?

Cake, 25, owns a Cake Shop
She is my neighbour! She is so rude. Once I saw her try to kiss the pool-boy, and she never cleans up after the dog when she takes it for a walk! I hate it when the street is clean. After all, this isn’t just Nicosia we live in… this is Engomi!

Anna Wintour, Editor of Vogue
Love her! Just love her! Next time I’m in Nicosia, we’ll have to do lunch!

The Pool-Boy, 25, cleans pools
She tried to kiss me! I just wanted to drive her Porsche and use her gym. She said I could take the car for a ride after I gave her one and clothing in the gym is not permitted! Guess what happened next… the pool got a whole lot dirtier!

Naomi Campbell, supermodel
Once, I saw the Nicosia Housewife in a fashion show in Milan. We got into a fight, and then she made me cry.