Why My Phone Breaking Was a Good Thing

A week ago I wrote a piece for my blog about cutting people out of my life but I never posted it (I do this because I work ahead of schedule) and I decided not to post it now as my something happened and made me look closer at things.

However today’s piece is an exception to working ahead of schedule, because my phone is broken and I can’t plan when things break. Anyway, my phone has been acting up for quite a while and I did nothing about it. Until my phone did something about it… nothing. That’s what it did. It did nothing. It just went off and then didn’t switch on. So I placed my sim card into an older mobile in case things like this happened. The phone seemed ancient compared to all the i-phone gadgets we have today, and I bought it less than four years ago from when I lived in Italy. So in goes the sim card in my new-old phone and… there were no numbers. Actually there were five, two from friends of mine who lived with me in Italy, and three from some dates I went to while living there. None of which were from people I was in contact with today. So in essence there were no numbers.

Of course you can imagine my initial reaction. I have my phone with me all the time; on me, next to me, in the toilet with me, by the bath when I shower, sometime I answer it while in the shower – I even have it in bed with me for when the alarm goes off in the morning and/or in case anyone needs to get in touch with me like; Condoleezza Rice, or the Dalai Lama for Ban Ki Moon asking me for advice on reforming the UN. You just never know. All in all, I was distraught – it was like I was cut off from the world and had to communicate to people via pigeons. Then after 10 minutes of having a panic attack and downing Polish vodka to relax I had an epiphany; no one can get in touch with me… how strangely liberating.

Actually people could get in touch with me… as the number didn’t change, just the phone, but I couldn’t get in touch with them! Even more liberating! I could start over! I could change identity and never need to talk to anyone again! It’s like staging your own death and moving to Uruguay! By cutting myself off from everyone I could free myself from the pressure they heap on me… and believe me… my friends can be demanding. They put pressure on me by saying things like ‘I’m cooking dinner tonight – would you like to come over to my house and join us?’ and threatening me with nasty threats like ‘would it be okay with you if we met for coffee at 3pm, my treat and then we can go shopping together?’ they even blackmail me by saying things like ‘if you don’t want to buy it – I can buy it for you. From me. Because I love you’. Oh – the trauma! The traumaaaaaa!

So I was mildly overjoyed after I could not get in touch with anyone! That night I slept so well!
Like police dogs at a raid, my friends began looking for me early the next day! The first person was Laverne who text me from Greece saying that she was listening to music and that she missed me! Oh, the meanness of it all! The pressure! The vindictiveness. Then PartyAnimal sent me a message that said ‘hi – how are you?’ Ooooh! The intrusion into my privacy! The the Nicosia Housewife text me asking if I wanted to go to a fashion show with her. Oh the pressure heaped upon me! I couldn’t bear it any longer. So I sent out an email to everyone I thought I should keep in my life – after accidentally freezing them out for a day and a half, without them knowing it.

The email read:
Hi guys. Broke my phone because I accidentally sat on it. Please send your numbers so I can prank you and my secretary will get back to you within the next 48 hours. Thanks!

And my friends text in the dozens! In the hundreds the numbers came pouring in! Laeticia from France, who I hadn’t spoken to in months, sent a message. As did Mya Aljazeera, the Arabian princess! All these people I had not spoken to in ages began texting in their thousands and it was good to know how many cool people I had met and had in my life no matter how far… so I guess my phone breaking was actually a good thing. It revealed to me the people further afield who are out of sight but not always out of mind.

And the other good thing? My phone was swamped with numbers of people; with people I disliked; with people I liked too much! It was filled with people who hurt me; randoms who I should have called and never did. Exes; people with excess baggage; people who wanted me to solve their problems; people who annoyed me and who I would prank at 2am (but that’s for another funny post). I never cleared these numbers out because of the ‘just in case’ syndrome. And now they are not on my phone and I feel lighter about it. Of course some would text me and I’d reply by saying ‘sorry my phone broke – who are you? When did we last speak? Don’t remember you’ when in fact we went out 10 days ago and the trauma of the meeting rendered me crazy! And if we ever bump into each other, I’d be like ‘oh it was you? I didn’t even recognise you from your text! You want my number? I got a new one, it’s…’ and of course I’ll give them another number on purpose. I’ll probably give them Cake’s number. Because she never called me! Although she was the one I wanted to cut out in the first place.

But in retrospect I think my phone broke because I pranked Cake the night before… it was funny but she wasn’t happy. But it was worth it though! And it was worth not having to talk to anyone… although now I’m glad it have them!