I called my English-Cypriot friend in London up for a chat. Loverboy is his name as he loves the ladies – although they don’t seem to love him back that much as he is still single. This is perhaps because he moves onto the next ladies before he finished with the previous one. Anyway so Loverboy was telling me all about his Turkish-Cypriot friend. LB had known Melek since they were in school together at a young age. Now Melek decided she wanted to get married and so asked her parents to set up some dates. She goes on one date, it doesn’t work out. She goes on another, she doesn’t like him, so she tries a little longer until she meets Abdullah. They go on a couple more dates and get engaged.
‘Do you see how they still do it?’ said LoverB. I wasn’t sure whether he was shocked in a good way or bad way. The English-Cypriots despite living in London are even more traditional and conservative than we are.
I have to admit that I think Melek did I a good job. She wanted to get married, she went on a couple of dates and found someone who she obviously had something in common with, from the same background, who had the same education and goals; someone who she found attractive and who she can envision a future with. The result: an engagement ring through an arranged union. She is having an arranged marriage. Now the difference is that she has had a say in what she wants; she obviously wanted to marry and she found someone, say, from a list of potential dates (I won’t use the word suitors – it’s too old school). Now initially I was shocked when I heard this but looking back I think she made a wise choice (albeit, not a choice everyone would make).
Someone else I met with an arranged marriage admits that although she was not in love with her husband when they met – love grew once they began living together. Their partnership got better with time; like red wine; because they both were compatible as were their goals and values. They didn’t believe in the notion of the ‘One’. What if you missed him/her? Was it all over? Or could there be people like you who fulfill you? Your needs of love change often – but what about your long term needs, goals and consequences?
Now I can see how this notion of an arranged marriage can work. I don’t know if I personally would find a spouse this way, but I can see the logic and safety in it. If you are at a certain age and you want to get married, an arranged marriage may provide the answer. It is not old-world if you have a say in it. Firstly the divorce rate for an arranged marriage is 5-7% compared with 40% of love marriages. Secondly love marriages are often lust marriages. The couple gets hitched and then realizes they were not suited for each other. It is basically instant ratification and thinking that this person will provide you with what you want, without actually knowing what you want. Thirdly, marriage is like a business. Sorry to take the romance out of it guys – but it is. If you are going to live with someone until the day you die; if you are going to share your incomes, hopes, dreams, fears, a bed, and create a living being called a baby, then you better get on with that person and make sure that you can see a common and viable future together. You have partner and business-partners, and in a marriage the spouse should be both of those things.
Unless of course you are marrying for the glamour, or the money or for a chance to be in Hello Magazine and sell your wedding photos to half a million. Or just for the sake of getting married because in Cyprus, that’s what people do. But if you are going to marry just to get married – that’s an arranged marriage right? So shouldn’t you choose someone who will make a viable business partner?
The other option is to get married for love. I’m all for romance – but so far the only romance I have seen is in a prno – and that’s only because they are paid to act romantically on film.
>>>Personally, I would date someone is she filled all the criteria. But then again – I’m doing this for image and status (and to get into those exclusive social groups). And I only intend to marry once. So I am on the look out for Mrs. Right Now (Only for Now) to accompany me to the social function and hang out a bit. I know it’s agenda-ridden but I at least I know and admit it is. Also, I haven’t given up on romance and passion just yet… I still want to give love a chance. You never know…<<<
And I wish you guys the best of luck in your love-life…
Coming soon: why men need marriage more than women do.
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