He's got a girlfriend, he's no.1 so why try harder?

I read an article about an obese man that shocked me to the core. He was an complusive eater who now is so big, he not only is confined to his house, but cannot get out of bed. His flesh literally covers over his ankles and the sheets do not cover him up much. But what shocked me most, was not the abject disrespect he has towards his health, or becoming a slave to his addiction, or that fact that he was laying there (posing?) for a magazine... but that he had a girlfriend.

What? How? How can this man obtain a girlfriend? As he never leaves the house (let alone his bed) he can't exactly go speed dating. Speed is not a word that could ever be associated with him for starters. Did he meet her online? But what girl would agree to turn up to a request that says 'meet me by my bedside!' She must have thought he had something else in mind. Perhaps they met through a friend. The scenario would go as follows. The man's friend would bring over the 'date' he would woo her by his pillow talk (after all that is where he is talking from) and BAM! He has a girlfriend in 5 minutes flat.

So now they are dating (if you can call it that as he can never leave the bed in the living room because the stairs might collapse- seriously!) and she is now tending him. Not girlfriend tending like cooing in his ear, or kissing him randomly, or acting all soppy and then demanding flowers. Oh no! This woman is great. She cooks for him, cleans, talks to him (about what? Atkins?) and get this… washes him… in bed. She sponges him down, because, again, he cannot get to the bathroom.
What he has, is so much more than a girlfriend. She is his cleaner, his mother, his lover. She is his slave! Pimps treat their b!tches better!

But what I don't understand is how heeeeee, has a girlfriend, if he doesn't leave the house. I have done it all and I am still single. From blind dates, to rock-climbing, to cooking-classes (where I learnt nothing), to going on endless amounts of dates (where I learnt even less), to snake-charming and fire-breathing, to hip-hop festivals, to write rap music, to Church and then to Synagogue, to praying for an answer… to beach parties and volunteering for political parties, to wedding -crashing and gate-crashing other people's parties. And nothing! What is wrong here?

Maybe I am trying too hard. Maybe I should just become a slob, gorge myself constantly, change my name to Dwayne and lay in bed.

I'm sure that will having running like mad towards me. I mean what could be sexier than an obese man in bed waiting for you?