Conservative? Me?

‘Don’t behave like that’ said my ex when it had to be whipped. ‘I’m conservative’
Of course, the thing I wanted to be whipped was the cream; I was making a cake – and the recipe said whip the cream up. So when I asked her to pass me the whip from my nightstand table she screamed that she was conservative. The relationship deteriorated to rubble less than 12 hours later. Which begs the questions…

Conservative? Me? Oh no. I’m as liberal as they come. The only time anyone should be conservative* is with money. Being financially conservative is the only conservative you should be – especially in these times of recession (thank you bankers). Usually people who are socially conservative (the worst type) are the ones who are afraid of what’s happening with the world beyond their back yard. (I’ll tell you what’s happening – there’s a recession – so worry about your money not that wonderfully kind immigrant family that moved in round the corner). Other than that, people are socially conservative because they are frigid and worry that they won’t be any good in the bedroom. Which is usually the case.

*May I add that along with being socially liberal but financially conservative I am a Conservative Jew. This does not mean that Conservative Jews have a conservative outlook to life (in fact many CJs I know are actually incredibly liberal) but the conservative-element denotes upholding the religious practices. It’s Conservatives to make you a better practicing Jew rather than to frown upon the world because of your own frigidity.