Arranged Marriage

I called my English-Cypriot friend in London up for a chat. Loverboy is his name as he loves the ladies – although they don’t seem to love him back that much as he is still single. This is perhaps because he moves onto the next ladies before he finished with the previous one. Anyway so Loverboy was telling me all about his Turkish-Cypriot friend. LB had known Melek since they were in school together at a young age. Now Melek decided she wanted to get married and so asked her parents to set up some dates. She goes on one date, it doesn’t work out. She goes on another, she doesn’t like him, so she tries a little longer until she meets Abdullah. They go on a couple more dates and get engaged.
‘Do you see how they still do it?’ said LoverB. I wasn’t sure whether he was shocked in a good way or bad way. The English-Cypriots despite living in London are even more traditional and conservative than we are.

I have to admit that I think Melek did I a good job. She wanted to get married, she went on a couple of dates and found someone who she obviously had something in common with, from the same background, who had the same education and goals; someone who she found attractive and who she can envision a future with. The result: an engagement ring through an arranged union. She is having an arranged marriage. Now the difference is that she has had a say in what she wants; she obviously wanted to marry and she found someone, say, from a list of potential dates (I won’t use the word suitors – it’s too old school). Now initially I was shocked when I heard this but looking back I think she made a wise choice (albeit, not a choice everyone would make).

Someone else I met with an arranged marriage admits that although she was not in love with her husband when they met – love grew once they began living together. Their partnership got better with time; like red wine; because they both were compatible as were their goals and values. They didn’t believe in the notion of the ‘One’. What if you missed him/her? Was it all over? Or could there be people like you who fulfill you? Your needs of love change often – but what about your long term needs, goals and consequences?

Now I can see how this notion of an arranged marriage can work. I don’t know if I personally would find a spouse this way, but I can see the logic and safety in it. If you are at a certain age and you want to get married, an arranged marriage may provide the answer. It is not old-world if you have a say in it. Firstly the divorce rate for an arranged marriage is 5-7% compared with 40% of love marriages. Secondly love marriages are often lust marriages. The couple gets hitched and then realizes they were not suited for each other. It is basically instant ratification and thinking that this person will provide you with what you want, without actually knowing what you want. Thirdly, marriage is like a business. Sorry to take the romance out of it guys – but it is. If you are going to live with someone until the day you die; if you are going to share your incomes, hopes, dreams, fears, a bed, and create a living being called a baby, then you better get on with that person and make sure that you can see a common and viable future together. You have partner and business-partners, and in a marriage the spouse should be both of those things.

Unless of course you are marrying for the glamour, or the money or for a chance to be in Hello Magazine and sell your wedding photos to half a million. Or just for the sake of getting married because in Cyprus, that’s what people do. But if you are going to marry just to get married – that’s an arranged marriage right? So shouldn’t you choose someone who will make a viable business partner?

The other option is to get married for love. I’m all for romance – but so far the only romance I have seen is in a prno – and that’s only because they are paid to act romantically on film.

>>>Personally, I would date someone is she filled all the criteria. But then again – I’m doing this for image and status (and to get into those exclusive social groups). And I only intend to marry once. So I am on the look out for Mrs. Right Now (Only for Now) to accompany me to the social function and hang out a bit. I know it’s agenda-ridden but I at least I know and admit it is. Also, I haven’t given up on romance and passion just yet… I still want to give love a chance. You never know…<<<

And I wish you guys the best of luck in your love-life…

Coming soon: why men need marriage more than women do.

My Best Friend's Wedding: Part: I DO TOO!

My Best Friend’s Wedding: Part: I DO TOO!

(READ THE POST BELOW - PART 1- BEFORE YOU READ THIS ONE)

You can imagine the headache I had the next day. I woke up at 11.30am – which means in real people’s terms that I went to bed on Saturday an woke up on Tuesday. A sleep in for me is staying in bed until 8.30am – so I was way over my usual limit. The day went by calmly, we went for brunch at the Acropolis park – my new favourite place in Nicosia – then to the photo exhibition by the World Press and then for coffee before returning home to get ready for the par-tay!

By 8.30 Laverne, who was staying with me, met up with Smulders, Mr. D and others at the party and I was ready to have a good time. Of course, at usual something had to go wrong. Firstly the camera man went around asking people to wish the couple well. Crap! I thought! He’s going to come over to me – which he did. TV people love me – I was interviewed three times; in Madrid, in LA and in Nicosia by different programmes (but this is for another post) and I have found myself accidentally on the news and other programmes more than a handful of times. I am an accidental celebrity! Having been discovered over and over again – but none seems to recognise me. I’m like Madonna, constantly reinventing. Next time you’ll probably see me wearing the conical bras and talking about Kabala.

So the camera guy comes up and asks us to wish us well. Laverne was talking and Smulders’ was watching her and try not to laugh while I was hiding. ‘And they are so beautiful… and we love them… we wish you the best… we wish you also a Merry Christmas… blah blah blah’ basically Laverne was talking all sorts of romantic crap while I was sipping on wine. Then all of a sudden I hear ‘BabyBusinessMan wants to say something too’ and before I knew it I was a national celebrity again with a microphone shoved into my hand and bright lights in my eyes and a camera waiting to hear what to say. I had no idea what to say, I mean the ‘I do’ part more or less sums up the whole day so I said ‘Congrats guys… Laverne… I’m going to kill you’ on camera. And now they will remember me as the alcoholic who wants to punish my friend with a microphone.
Of course it doesn’t stop there.

After Cake and PanCake arrived, everyone claps and they dance and all the yiayiades agree that Cake looked sweet and all the men thought she is tastier than a marzipan mountain they make their round and greet all the guests. Now on the table was a kind of confetti firework tube where you pull a string and confetti shoots up. Well, my good friend Laverne gave it too me upside down, and of course people decided that it is my job to pull the string, which I did and then the confetti went downwards instead of towards them! So everyone hears a bang, but sees no confetti and I was sitting there covered in bits of paper and everyone was laughing! Luckily no camera was there to see me scream at Laverne again…

Throught the night I tried to behave; Cake said that I could staring misbehaving after midnight. So I got talking to some guests from the Czech Republic or Poland.
‘What’s you’re name?’ I asked
‘Wylzzwwyckw’ he said.
‘Is that a traditional Polish name?’
So you see – I was behaving speaking to people whose names I could not pronounce. But Laverne was all over these guests from Syria or Egypt or somewhere who loved weddings but loved Laverne even more. If polygamy was legal they would have probably kidnapped her and married her.

But the party didn’t become a par-tay until most of the guests had left because it was Cake and her closest friends,her family, the gate-crashwe, the Czechs and the Syrians dancing like madman on the dance floor. It was so insane that we were all jumping up and down, everything spilled out of my pockets so over the course of the night people kept coming up to me and giving me bits of my phone, my wallet, my keys…

It was such a good night, we went home at around 4am when the waiters and hotel staff kicked us out!

My Best Friend's Wedding: Part: I DO!

My Best Friend's Wedding: Part: I DO!

Dressing Bridezilla
The wedding began with watching the groom getting ready at around 4pm. Laverne, Smulders and I bundled out of the car and watched Pancake get ready. It was actually very moving because the Mum was really moved and there was a real sense of ‘leaving the house’. It has to be said that Cypriot wedding songs are really beautiful and moving – especially when sung by someone who speaks the Cypriot dialect well (and none of us really do anymore).
After seeing Pancake get ready for the wedding, we made our way over to Bridezilla’s house. Now the group we were with parked in a field which I didn’t want to do because I didn’t want to get dust all over my shoes, so I tried to park on the pavement. Of course in my usual manner I rammed the car up on the pavement so hard that we thought the front tire burst. We just sat there shocked hoping it was okay but of course, because I’m driving the car and because things like this always happen when they shouldn’t, I had a flat tire. So there I stood in my flashy new suit and shoes with no dust on them… and I had a flat tire.
We went inside to see Bridezilla get ready. Cake came down the stairs in her wedding dress (don’t ask me to describe women’s clothes – I’m only interested in clothes when they take them off – not put them on) but I can guarantee to you that it was white. She looked like a loveable yeti getting married. The music started; the violins played; and everyone was in a good mood. Except me who was stressing about the burst tire. So after Cake got ready I went outside with a friend to change the tire – something I never did in my life (along with a frappe – I never made a frappe either).

Flat Tire
So there I stood in my wedding gear changing a tire – with the help of a friend (thank you Mr. D!) and I didn’t even get a smudge of oil or dirt on me. I should write a book ‘How to Change a Tire in an Armani Suit on a Wedding Day and look Good’ by BabyBusinessMan. I mean the whole situation was ridiculous. It was like Milan Fashion Week meets DIY Mechanics. So with the tire changed we made out way to the Church.

Late for Church
Have you heard the song ‘Get Me to the Church on Time?’ well we didn’t. We got lost on the way… and then it took me about 10 minutes to find a parking and 20 minutes to park into it with two people giving me instructions. Two women to be precise… so you can imagine the trauma… So, we arrived at the doors of the Church moments after Bridezilla arrived and thought that people were throwing rice in the air for us. So we managed to make it into the Church just before Cake was about to walk down the aisle. Being in a Church I was going should have prayed for myself to learn the roads of Nicosia better or at least pray to remember to buy a map! But instead I should have confessed because I swore for the first time in a place of worship before the eyes of God. And suddenly the wedding began…

The Wedding
It was beautiful. Cake looked so poised and elegant and there was a warm ambience around the Church. I especially remember seeing Cake’s mother who looked so happy and proud and cried at the same time. I remember as a child weddings seemed to be so boring and take so long. But when it’s your best friend’s wedding it goes rather quickly (especially the party…. But that’s for later). I was so proud of Cake… who would have guessed she would be the one who grew up first? (Well it was obvious really as she was dating Pancake since the time of the dinosaurs – and she hasn’t aged a bit). And I was worried about PanCake… did he know what he was getting into? Actually if anyone could handle Cake it was PanCake. He adds the right ingredients and makes the Cake tasty and sweet!

The Drinks
After the wedding we all stood in line and congratulated them. Laverne, Smulders and I of course were the noisiest – but we couldn’t help ourselves – it was a wedding and we were determined to have a good time. We congratulated the happy couple and posed for a picture. I don’t need to tell you who was the biggest poser… and then like an Olympic race we ran towards the bar… well Laverne and Smulders did and started guzzling back Mimosas and Fruit Punch and Wine. I, for once, was careful not to get drunk as I didn’t want to get a new flat tire. But the other two were slugging back Martinis’s like it was going out of style. So by the time we arrived at dinner around midnight they were slightly merry – but in a good way. Cake and PanCake got married…. And I still looked good.

The Dinner
Cake and PanCake arranged a dinner for all the close friends, family and gate-crashers. The soup was delicious and the guest was great. It has to be the best dinner party I went to. I sat opposite Cake’s good friend FunkyFashionista (who I want to steal from Cake) and was telling me all about her life in Athens! (if you’re reading this – hi FunkyFashionista) and then Cake came and sat next to us and completely surrounded us with her wedding dress which was the size of Switzerland, and the colour of it too! And from the dinner, around 2am we made our way to…

Zoo
Smulders, Mr. D and I went to Zoo after the dinner, which was after the wedding, which was after the dressing ceremony which was… so you can imagine the day we had. Now I wanted them to see Zoo as they were foreign and had to see Cyprus’ main club. Smulders lives in Texas and Mr. D lives in Oslo and they were in Nicosia with me so they had to experience our country’s national zoo. It is really interesting to see you’re country’s pop-culture through other people’s eyes because the first thing Smulders said, while waiting to get into Zoo was ‘this is the quietest crowd ever. I have never seen such a quiet line.’ You can only imagine what happens in Texas! But it’s true; if you were noisy you wouldn’t get in. But we did get in, almost tip-toeing 10 minutes later as we had a reservation. Guys, it was packed. It was insane. You could not move. Then Mr. D the sensible Norwegian asked ‘what happens if there is a fire?’ Now I ask these questions all the time because I am a neurotic but I never say them out loud… Of course we had a good time, and danced with a group of people I knew who were there, but went home at 4am to prepare for the next day, the reason we were all there: for the party!

Next up: My Best Friend’s Wedding: Part: I DO TOO!